Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
When I’ve seen a film I like to read as many reviews of it as I can. I’m impressionable, easily led and I don’t know my own mind, so it’s handy to have someone form my opinion on my behalf – especially if they’re the kind of people who can’t spell apparently. Here’s what MYKL has to say about Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning in the nice, cosy environment of Rolling Stone’s half-star review, the coward.
“Is it possible in a film like this to have ugly people running around being severly lacerated by a chainsaw?.. Apperantly not. It “apperantly” is a better idea to have very attractive humans running around in jeans and string tops or wife beater vests,while being severly lacerated by a chainsaw.Well of course it is after all you either get one or the other, brains or looks, and I think it is crystal clear in this “film” what the character’s have as their main assets. It was nauseating from start to finish and don’t worry I won’t spoil the plot (not that there is one anyway). Predictable, pathetic , please! Maybe if you were interrogating someone, it might be a good idea to make them watch it. Cinematic gunge.?”
Fine. MYKL is entitled to his opinion, and TCM: TB is no classic, but, look, he’s used my least favourite crit-word: ‘predictable’ – the word stupid people use to shout down a film they didn’t like.
Why? Because, predictable when? At what point does a film become predictable or not? A character walks on screen and I predict he or she will say some lines. How about that? No, now you’re just being silly, Andrew. But how about a character steals a gun in the first five minutes? Pretty safe to predict that that gun will go off at some point, no? What about a thriller called Vertigo about a guy who suffers from self-same condition. Hmm, I predict a vertiginous, height-based climax. And if I don’t get one, well then how lame is that? So, yes, MYKL, in a film called The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I predicted certain elements that you clearly did not: mainly that people would be ‘severly lacerated by a chainsaw’. Yes, they will make stupid decisions, scream a lot and investigate noises when clearly they should run away and all that business, but that’s not being predictable, that’s being generic, possibly derivative, maybe formulaic. And if you don’t like generic, derivative and formulaic, why on earth watch a film that’s not only a genre film, but a prequel to a remake? If you don’t like frozen food don’t shop in Iceland is what I always say.